Archive for category: ENLIVEN Magazine

Written by Salma Maulani

Yesterday, I met my best friend and we had a fun conversation while having dinner together. It was an all-you-can-eat restaurant which felt like fancy dinner for us who used to eat fast food or street food which usually cost below 30 thousand rupiahs.  When I arrived, The first thing that she said to me was  “you are such a fashion terrorist, how can you wear that red bag with blue clothes and only a pair of slippers”. Yes, she is the type of girl who always tries to match the color of her shoes and bag, she used to be fine with my fashion. However, this time she criticized me. 

“Why? I love this bag, I have been wearing this bag since last year, and it is rainy outside, I don’t want to wet my shoes” I replied without any second thought.

“Okay, it’s understandable for the slipper, but the bag? I know you have a black bag as a gift from your friend, why don’t you wear it Geez!” she expressed her annoyance.

I just laughed, and she muttered “as always, another thing that you’re getting attached to”. 

Then it hit me as I took my seat. It seems like she knows me better than myself. I realized the reason why I prefer this bag more than others. I used to think that I am just being lazy or always in a hurry and have no time to move all of the things inside. But even if I have extra time, I don’t think I will choose another bag. Finally, I admit that I am very easily attached and I do have a hard time letting things go. It also explains why I still often wear the same sweatshirt since middle school, the worn-out shirt, it has a little torn on the side and ripped sleeves. I’ve had some arguments with my mom because she tried to throw it several times and I begged her with all I had. Fortunately, I managed to keep it.

I snapped my wandering mind to back and focus on the present, I finished the dinner with my best friend, talked about our day and what kind of obstacles that we need to get through, not to mention the cute pictures that we took and uploaded it on Instagram, and we hate to admit it but we spilled some teas to each other as well. Overall, we enjoyed our time.

I arrived at home happily, I took a warm bath and prepared to sleep. Suddenly, those wandering minds that I had before came back to me. Actually, it has been my night-routines to organize my mind, forgive the mistake that I made that day, and make a plan for tomorrow before I go to sleep. Inside my head, I tried to make a list of things that I got attached besides that red bag and worn-out sweatshirt. Another realization came to me, turned out I get very easily attached not only to things, but movies, stories, places, memories and people as well.

This also explains all the hurt and pain that I experienced in relationship and friendship. Those times all hurt and most of them still do until now. I have been single for more than 6 years and it took me about 2-3 years to let my high-school ex go, which was ridiculous because I went to school where more than 70% of the students were males. Most of my friend said that I am stupid because I couldn’t catch any fish when there is plenty in my ocean.

I hate a change, and I hate the fact that change is inevitable. Especially when people that I get attached to do it. Everytime it happened, I did not give up on them, I am really bad at giving up and letting them go. I tried to hold them real tight. However, I always failed to realize the mistake that I made. I hold them very tight to the point that I started to hurt them. I failed to understand the famous quote that said “Maintaining a relationship/friendship is like holding sand in your hand. If you hold it too tight, it will run amongst your fingers, just hold them normally, and you’ll have them forever.”

I realized it very late, I already hurt many people that I used to get attached to. I also hurt myself. I would like to deeply apologize to them and to myself as well. I am really sorry for holding you so tight and interfering with your change. Now, I sincerely wish that your change brings a positive result to you. I am rooting the best for all of you, for my ex and all my friendship that has ended with or without closure.

Entering this year, I am going to try not to get too attached and learn to let go. Begin with wearing another bag, throwing away the worn-out sweatshirt, being careless about matters that do not care about me, and being worry-less about anything that is out of my control such as the inevitable change.

Written by Safira Ardya

“Well I was thinking you’d come here with someone. I wanted you to have, maybe, a

dance with me and Daniel..”

“You are not alone, right? Tell me you’re not.” Jane gave me a hug and said so.

I personally do not get it why people keep asking me as if it is a very big sin for being alone. Being alone, however, does not seem as terrifying as its image in everyone’s perception. Besides, when I am alone, I do not feel lonely. For me, what is more terrifying is making friends. Yes, I do enjoy me-time so much that I don’t even feel the joy of being surrounded by people. I did have lot of friends, once. When my life was still about partying all night long and sleeping all day long. I can exactly remember the time when all I did was making friends instead of being comfortable with myself. I still remember that moment when I hated to be alone and wanted to be with people. But that was approximately eight years ago, when I haven’t understood what kind of life I am really in. 

I was so unsure of life. Since my parents had ‘divorced’, I never knew what I had to do in this world, or why I was born in this family. Well it wasn’t actually called divorce. They both just left each other and started a new life. I was 17 when they both admitted that they never really loved one another. My mom had a strong belief that everyone deserves happiness. Based on her belief, she left me in order to find ‘her happiness’. Was that really happiness? The same story went to my father. He dated a woman younger than my mom. I asked him about that young lady he took to the house. He told me that she was his true love, while my mother was just his ex. I could not understand anything at that time. Thus, partying was the best decision after all. 

My relative in work, Jane, was so nice to me. She always greeted me every morning. But still, I was on my stance; people would not be nice to you unless they wanted something from you. So far, I successfully proved that my principle was definitely right. A thousand friends when I was in high school have gone. A hundred friends when I went to college, gone. A dozen friends where I work, I preferred to call them relatives. Then my theory was right. Right after Jane asked me that question, she began to ask another one. 

“Well I was thinking you’d come here with someone. I wanted you to have, maybe, a dance with Daniel and me. It would be a pleasure for us for having you and your partner,” she still said that kind of phrase despite the fact she knew for sure that I came to this place by only me, myself, and I. “Thank you Jane, that’s very kind of you. I feel truly honored if I could dance with you and Dan, but I’m enough. Anyway, congratulations, dear.” I gave her a little hug and a not-so-sincere smile, so I could go home earlier. That day was a very historical day for Jane. Dan proposed her and that day was her wedding day. I couldn’t even imagine how it feels to be married to someone. 

I was eating a cupcake when somebody appeared and said, “hello, Evelyn?” I was shocked as I turned my head to the right, and found out she was my long-lost best friend. I knew her since I was around twelve years old. The first day on my junior high school. She was Caroline. “Is that you, Carl?” I asked her, ensuring myself. “You remember me?” she laughed. I remembered this voice. We both hugged each other tightly. How I missed this person. She was the only one whom I trusted for years but we were set apart by the end of high school which I didn’t know why. We talked a lot about each other’s lives and how we could meet in that circumstance. She was the only one whom I told about everything that happened in my family. She was a trust-worthy person. She was also the reason why I hated everybody and didn’t want to make friends with anybody. 

– – –

“Now? Well I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t have and don’t want to have anyway. How about you, Eve? It’s been a while since the last time I heard about your condition. Are you okay?” We both knew that we had some kind like inner-connection. We always noticed each other when one of us was not ‘okay’. She noticed me, that time. I told her that my life was okay, I kept contacting my parents some times, I lived in a small apartment – not far from my office, I was single and I had no friend. She gave me some advices about life; she told me that I couldn’t live alone. I didn’t care. Regardless the things she said, I was still alive even until the second I wrote this. 

“You cannot be like this. Come on, Eve. You really need someone to take care of you.” “Carl, I’m 25 and I have heavy work and responsibility. So tell me in which part do I need someone? Is there someone helping me when I’m on my lowest point? It was not even you, Carl.” I tried to explain her. But, I failed. She just didn’t get it. “You know what Eve? You’ll never be happy if you’re always alone like this. Life doesn’t go this way, Eve. Believe me,” she lowered her tone. I told her, “Happiness comes out from ourselves, darling. Who told you that happiness comes from another human being – outside yourself?” It was no use arguing with this lady. We had completely different perspectives.

When we were younger, we had the same perspective about life. We went to a city nightclub every Saturday to drink one shot or two and get drunk before the sunrise. At that very moment, my friends were uncountable. There were so many that I could not remember their names one by one. They liked to join Carl and me, since we literally had unlimited money that we could pay all the drinks for a dozen friends of us. It all changed when I entered college life, even worse when I entered work life. They were just suddenly gone with a blink of an eye. 

Carl was a nice girl with hazel brown eyes, pink cheeks even without her blush on, long blonde hair, and very pointed nose. She was amazingly beautiful. She was a daughter of a successful businessman. She lived in a very big house, with 10 housemaids and a personal driver. She didn’t have any friend; at least she didn’t have the real one. This was the similarity between us. We perceived the world as it was. No matter how nice a person could be, or how perfect a person might treat us, we didn’t want to make friends, or have a boyfriend. The night before prom night, a boy showed up at her door and asked if she wanted to go to prom with him. Carl – which always felt lonely – said yes. From that night on, until Jane’s wedding day, I had never heard anything about Carl. 

She changed her perception about life. She had many friends after prom night. I thought it was because she and his partner were crowned as Prom Queen and Prom King. She trusted people much that she began to leave me after that. 

– – – 

“Good Morning Eve!” Jane greeted me as I walked out the elevator and held two cups of coffee. I gave her one. This was what I believed; be nice with people and they would be nice to you in return. “Thanks Eve! How’s life?” she asked enthusiastically. “Jane, is there any letter for me?” I didn’t like having small talk. “You’ve always been like this! Yup, there are some letters Eve. I put it on your desk. Read it carefully.” She told me as she walked away from my room to get back to her room. One letter stole my attention for a while. On the envelope was written ‘from: C, to: Evelyn Sapphire’. 

She apologized for leaving me alone when I needed her the most. She admitted she was enjoying her time with her boyfriend and all her new friends so she forgot me. She regretted her mistake for making me upset. She said she missed me and wanted us to be like how we used to be. She left me dumbstruck. I wrote a letter back to her, saying thank you for her very kind intention and saying her no, for what she had asked me earlier. It was enough for me to trust somebody who was not trust-worthy at all. It was enough for me to make friends only to end up being disappointed because people always broke promises they made.

I told her to leave me alone again, I did not want to be disappointed because of other people and I did not want other people to be disheartened because of me. Let us just live our lives and never mind each other’s business anymore. By the end of the letter, I told her to watch over herself, no need to worry about me, and just be professional with our lives. I did not need friends who could only bring me down. Let us just be nice to each other without disturbing personal matters, or trust issue, because friendship was just nonsense after all.