Alone

Written by Safira Ardya

 

“Well I was thinking you’d come here with someone. I wanted you to have, maybe, a

dance with me and Daniel..”

“You are not alone, right? Tell me you’re not.” Jane gave me a hug and said so.

I personally do not get it why people keep asking me as if it is a very big sin for being alone. Being alone, however, does not seem as terrifying as its image in everyone’s perception. Besides, when I am alone, I do not feel lonely. For me, what is more terrifying is making friends. Yes, I do enjoy me-time so much that I don’t even feel the joy of being surrounded by people. I did have lot of friends, once. When my life was still about partying all night long and sleeping all day long. I can exactly remember the time when all I did was making friends instead of being comfortable with myself. I still remember that moment when I hated to be alone and wanted to be with people. But that was approximately eight years ago, when I haven’t understood what kind of life I am really in. 

I was so unsure of life. Since my parents had ‘divorced’, I never knew what I had to do in this world, or why I was born in this family. Well it wasn’t actually called divorce. They both just left each other and started a new life. I was 17 when they both admitted that they never really loved one another. My mom had a strong belief that everyone deserves happiness. Based on her belief, she left me in order to find ‘her happiness’. Was that really happiness? The same story went to my father. He dated a woman younger than my mom. I asked him about that young lady he took to the house. He told me that she was his true love, while my mother was just his ex. I could not understand anything at that time. Thus, partying was the best decision after all. 

My relative in work, Jane, was so nice to me. She always greeted me every morning. But still, I was on my stance; people would not be nice to you unless they wanted something from you. So far, I successfully proved that my principle was definitely right. A thousand friends when I was in high school have gone. A hundred friends when I went to college, gone. A dozen friends where I work, I preferred to call them relatives. Then my theory was right. Right after Jane asked me that question, she began to ask another one. 

“Well I was thinking you’d come here with someone. I wanted you to have, maybe, a dance with Daniel and me. It would be a pleasure for us for having you and your partner,” she still said that kind of phrase despite the fact she knew for sure that I came to this place by only me, myself, and I. “Thank you Jane, that’s very kind of you. I feel truly honored if I could dance with you and Dan, but I’m enough. Anyway, congratulations, dear.” I gave her a little hug and a not-so-sincere smile, so I could go home earlier. That day was a very historical day for Jane. Dan proposed her and that day was her wedding day. I couldn’t even imagine how it feels to be married to someone. 

I was eating a cupcake when somebody appeared and said, “hello, Evelyn?” I was shocked as I turned my head to the right, and found out she was my long-lost best friend. I knew her since I was around twelve years old. The first day on my junior high school. She was Caroline. “Is that you, Carl?” I asked her, ensuring myself. “You remember me?” she laughed. I remembered this voice. We both hugged each other tightly. How I missed this person. She was the only one whom I trusted for years but we were set apart by the end of high school which I didn’t know why. We talked a lot about each other’s lives and how we could meet in that circumstance. She was the only one whom I told about everything that happened in my family. She was a trust-worthy person. She was also the reason why I hated everybody and didn’t want to make friends with anybody. 

– – –

“Now? Well I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t have and don’t want to have anyway. How about you, Eve? It’s been a while since the last time I heard about your condition. Are you okay?” We both knew that we had some kind like inner-connection. We always noticed each other when one of us was not ‘okay’. She noticed me, that time. I told her that my life was okay, I kept contacting my parents some times, I lived in a small apartment – not far from my office, I was single and I had no friend. She gave me some advices about life; she told me that I couldn’t live alone. I didn’t care. Regardless the things she said, I was still alive even until the second I wrote this. 

“You cannot be like this. Come on, Eve. You really need someone to take care of you.” “Carl, I’m 25 and I have heavy work and responsibility. So tell me in which part do I need someone? Is there someone helping me when I’m on my lowest point? It was not even you, Carl.” I tried to explain her. But, I failed. She just didn’t get it. “You know what Eve? You’ll never be happy if you’re always alone like this. Life doesn’t go this way, Eve. Believe me,” she lowered her tone. I told her, “Happiness comes out from ourselves, darling. Who told you that happiness comes from another human being – outside yourself?” It was no use arguing with this lady. We had completely different perspectives.

When we were younger, we had the same perspective about life. We went to a city nightclub every Saturday to drink one shot or two and get drunk before the sunrise. At that very moment, my friends were uncountable. There were so many that I could not remember their names one by one. They liked to join Carl and me, since we literally had unlimited money that we could pay all the drinks for a dozen friends of us. It all changed when I entered college life, even worse when I entered work life. They were just suddenly gone with a blink of an eye. 

Carl was a nice girl with hazel brown eyes, pink cheeks even without her blush on, long blonde hair, and very pointed nose. She was amazingly beautiful. She was a daughter of a successful businessman. She lived in a very big house, with 10 housemaids and a personal driver. She didn’t have any friend; at least she didn’t have the real one. This was the similarity between us. We perceived the world as it was. No matter how nice a person could be, or how perfect a person might treat us, we didn’t want to make friends, or have a boyfriend. The night before prom night, a boy showed up at her door and asked if she wanted to go to prom with him. Carl – which always felt lonely – said yes. From that night on, until Jane’s wedding day, I had never heard anything about Carl. 

She changed her perception about life. She had many friends after prom night. I thought it was because she and his partner were crowned as Prom Queen and Prom King. She trusted people much that she began to leave me after that. 

– – – 

“Good Morning Eve!” Jane greeted me as I walked out the elevator and held two cups of coffee. I gave her one. This was what I believed; be nice with people and they would be nice to you in return. “Thanks Eve! How’s life?” she asked enthusiastically. “Jane, is there any letter for me?” I didn’t like having small talk. “You’ve always been like this! Yup, there are some letters Eve. I put it on your desk. Read it carefully.” She told me as she walked away from my room to get back to her room. One letter stole my attention for a while. On the envelope was written ‘from: C, to: Evelyn Sapphire’. 

She apologized for leaving me alone when I needed her the most. She admitted she was enjoying her time with her boyfriend and all her new friends so she forgot me. She regretted her mistake for making me upset. She said she missed me and wanted us to be like how we used to be. She left me dumbstruck. I wrote a letter back to her, saying thank you for her very kind intention and saying her no, for what she had asked me earlier. It was enough for me to trust somebody who was not trust-worthy at all. It was enough for me to make friends only to end up being disappointed because people always broke promises they made.

I told her to leave me alone again, I did not want to be disappointed because of other people and I did not want other people to be disheartened because of me. Let us just live our lives and never mind each other’s business anymore. By the end of the letter, I told her to watch over herself, no need to worry about me, and just be professional with our lives. I did not need friends who could only bring me down. Let us just be nice to each other without disturbing personal matters, or trust issue, because friendship was just nonsense after all.