Detachment

Written by Salma Maulani

Yesterday, I met my best friend and we had a fun conversation while having dinner together. It was an all-you-can-eat restaurant which felt like fancy dinner for us who used to eat fast food or street food which usually cost below 30 thousand rupiahs.  When I arrived, The first thing that she said to me was  “you are such a fashion terrorist, how can you wear that red bag with blue clothes and only a pair of slippers”. Yes, she is the type of girl who always tries to match the color of her shoes and bag, she used to be fine with my fashion. However, this time she criticized me. 

“Why? I love this bag, I have been wearing this bag since last year, and it is rainy outside, I don’t want to wet my shoes” I replied without any second thought.

“Okay, it’s understandable for the slipper, but the bag? I know you have a black bag as a gift from your friend, why don’t you wear it Geez!” she expressed her annoyance.

I just laughed, and she muttered “as always, another thing that you’re getting attached to”. 

Then it hit me as I took my seat. It seems like she knows me better than myself. I realized the reason why I prefer this bag more than others. I used to think that I am just being lazy or always in a hurry and have no time to move all of the things inside. But even if I have extra time, I don’t think I will choose another bag. Finally, I admit that I am very easily attached and I do have a hard time letting things go. It also explains why I still often wear the same sweatshirt since middle school, the worn-out shirt, it has a little torn on the side and ripped sleeves. I’ve had some arguments with my mom because she tried to throw it several times and I begged her with all I had. Fortunately, I managed to keep it.

I snapped my wandering mind to back and focus on the present, I finished the dinner with my best friend, talked about our day and what kind of obstacles that we need to get through, not to mention the cute pictures that we took and uploaded it on Instagram, and we hate to admit it but we spilled some teas to each other as well. Overall, we enjoyed our time.

I arrived at home happily, I took a warm bath and prepared to sleep. Suddenly, those wandering minds that I had before came back to me. Actually, it has been my night-routines to organize my mind, forgive the mistake that I made that day, and make a plan for tomorrow before I go to sleep. Inside my head, I tried to make a list of things that I got attached besides that red bag and worn-out sweatshirt. Another realization came to me, turned out I get very easily attached not only to things, but movies, stories, places, memories and people as well.

This also explains all the hurt and pain that I experienced in relationship and friendship. Those times all hurt and most of them still do until now. I have been single for more than 6 years and it took me about 2-3 years to let my high-school ex go, which was ridiculous because I went to school where more than 70% of the students were males. Most of my friend said that I am stupid because I couldn’t catch any fish when there is plenty in my ocean.

I hate a change, and I hate the fact that change is inevitable. Especially when people that I get attached to do it. Everytime it happened, I did not give up on them, I am really bad at giving up and letting them go. I tried to hold them real tight. However, I always failed to realize the mistake that I made. I hold them very tight to the point that I started to hurt them. I failed to understand the famous quote that said “Maintaining a relationship/friendship is like holding sand in your hand. If you hold it too tight, it will run amongst your fingers, just hold them normally, and you’ll have them forever.”

I realized it very late, I already hurt many people that I used to get attached to. I also hurt myself. I would like to deeply apologize to them and to myself as well. I am really sorry for holding you so tight and interfering with your change. Now, I sincerely wish that your change brings a positive result to you. I am rooting the best for all of you, for my ex and all my friendship that has ended with or without closure.

Entering this year, I am going to try not to get too attached and learn to let go. Begin with wearing another bag, throwing away the worn-out sweatshirt, being careless about matters that do not care about me, and being worry-less about anything that is out of my control such as the inevitable change.